thinking 'bout you

mouse & shrug
Originally uploaded by bluepupae.

tuesday, i went to visit my grandfather, who fell a month or so ago and fractured his hip, at the rehabilitation center he is staying in. i can see why he is afraid of and dislikes places like this. sterile, hospital-like and full of sick seniors, it leaves much to be desired.

as i walked along the hallway to my grandfather's room, i could see the infirm laying in bed watching tv, moaning and/or wandering the halls aimlessly pulling themselves along in their wheelchairs by one good foot. when we found his room empty, we were hopeful that he was out getting some exercise. my mom went looking for him and returned saying that he was having dinner.

i followed her to a medium-sized room with about six or seven square tables, mostly occupied by elderly people slumped over their trays in wheelchairs. i scanned the room, but could not locate my grandfather. my mom beckoned from the other end of the room.

when i walked up to the table she was standing next too, i found the emaciated and frail shadow of my grandfather, obscured by another elderly man at the next table over. his eyes had sunken into his face, and when i put my hand on his neck and back, i could feel his bones protruding from under his shirt. he stared blankly at me, rendering me speechless. i couldn't tell if he recognized me or was conscious of my presence, but he murmured something i could barely make out that indicated he was lucid.

the next half hour or so frustrated the hell out of me as i watched him eat with difficulty due to hand coordination issues. i wanted to do something, but felt helpless as my mother indicated he needed to get his strength and mobility by doing things himself.

the worse part had to have been watching him attempt to eat the noodle soup which was more slippery noodles than liquid, which my grandfather usually likes with meals. it was just within reach, but picking up a spoon full of noodles and some broth seemed to require more coordination than he could muster. every time he got more than one noodle on the spoon, the other would slip off, and it seemed near impossible, what with using only one hand, to pick up some broth. i guess my mother couldn't take it any longer, because after five minutes, she started to help him.

being a chain-smoker all of his life, he must feel unhinged not being able to. he coughed quite a bit as he ate. all i could do was rub his back. the whole experience was rather strained as my mother, my grandmother and i stood awkwardly around the table watching my grandfather eat very slowly. there really weren't any other chairs in the room as all the sick were in wheelchairs. in general, i am not the most adept at navigating social situations, but i felt utterly clueless as to what i could/should have done, like someone standing and wondering what to do with her hands while everyone stares.

he finally finished, and we wheeled him back to his room, where we left some change of clothes for him. resistant to any offers to make his stay more bearable such as books, newspapers and home-cooked meals, he seemed to have lost any desire to do anything but sit zombie-like in his room. he couldn't even be persuaded to watch any tv.

i realize that he has been depressed lately, and this accident has only brought things to the surface. i also understand what it feels like to wallow, having been through various bouts of depression and general melancholy. Even when things got fairly horrible, as it felt to me, i would realize that i had reached rock-bottom and that things could only go up. at least i was optimistic. i hope that he doesn't hurt himself or hurt too much before finding the strength to get on.

it's got to be difficult being old and feeling emasculated, being from a vietnamese background. i want to suggest he take up a hobby like knitting. something he could find some simple joy and meaning in. i'm not sure what that would be. the world is a different place than the one my grandparents know. our generation is bombarded and overstimulated. i complain more of not having enough time to do everything i want to do than of being bored. i could suggest a zillion things that i would find interesting to put my energy into, but i don't know if they would take to it...

...

on another note. i finished my one skein wonder, mostly. it really was a fast knit, because i was bored with other projects in progress and was fueled by the thought that this was the stepping stone project i needed to take to start knitting clothing. it turned out ok. my guage was a bit inconsistent, i barely had enough yarn, and the sleeves are a little loose around my arms. i have rather thin arms. and still there is some finishing work. i'd like to try another of stephanie japel's sweater patterns.