a nice dilemma & other reflections

Body of Evidence I
Originally uploaded by bluepupae.

granted, i make what i deem to be "progress" in adding to and improving upon my body of work every year, yet i am extremely disappointed in myself that another year passes, and i am not ready to apply for grad school, which i feel a strong need for. this has been true for years now. i can't remember who, because i've bemoaned this to a number of people, but someone, maybe it was jerry, told me, "you never feel ready, to apply to grad school."

mike thinks i should just do it, and he will be even more annoyed that i don't even try this year. i only have three worthwhile completed pieces for my portfolio (i think). the other few that are in progress are substantial, and i'm excited about them and about finishing them, but they only exist as renderings in my portfolio and a sizable pile of leds on the work table. this is why i don't feel ready. actually, i have many ideas for many projects, but none of those count, because they are only patterns of neurons firing in my noggin' and a few sketches at this point.

well, to prove that i'm not a total neurotic pessimist, i do have great news. my body of evidence i piece is in a show in st. charles, missouri at the foundry art centre, and apparently, i received the solo award for it. what a wonderful surprise. i almost didn't even bother submitting to the show because i was kind of busy and not feeling very positive about the piece after a couple of rejections. so glad mike encouraged me to do it, and i listened to him.

i get to decide whether to accept award money, which i desperately need, or a solo show at the gallery some time in 2010, which is a ways off. difficult decision. the money would be great to put back into new work and pay off expenses for past projects. unlike most careers, being an artist means you spend time and money making things for some indeterminate time in hopes that one day, enough people will buy your work so you can continue to make more work and not starve or give up.

i am not all about the money either. an opportunity to have a solo show is rare. i've only had a few pieces in juried shows. how long does an artist peddle her wares before someone with a prominent venue allows her space to show not just one piece but a body of work to a large audience of people, some of whom may find some connection to the work? i haven't yet made up my mind, but i am enjoying that this is the difficult choice i am thinking about and basking in the glow of recognition and reassurance that i'm not just doing this for me.