being and nothingness

no photo today because there's been little progress on my led project unless you want to see my pathetic face after picking up special flux & high-content silver solder from a welding supply shop in north long beach and still having no success in soldering braided stainless steel wire to the leds. i wonder if i have to torch the damn thing. %@#*&@(^!

it's times like this that i wonder why i don't stick to familiar territory. i know there's an answer. it's not frickin' rocket science after all.

problem solving

my led project has hit another snafu. after wire wrapping three columns (of the 72 column grid), i discovered that due to the uneven weight on the very thin wrapped kynar wire, some were breaking. i chose the thin wire to not detract from the light feel of the piece. each circuit board holds two leds and represents one "pixel" or "dot" of the overall image and connects to adjacent boards via two kynar wires. the problem is that it is extremely difficult to wrap the two such that the lengths are exactly the same. because of this, the weight is unevenly distributed, and as subsequent boards are added, more weight needs to be supported by a single wire.

i scrapped (for now) the idea of using the kynar wire in lieu of two continuous lengths of wire for each column, to which the boards would be soldered. this would get around the problem of a lot of weight on a single bit of wire. unfortunately, my new plan has not been working out as well as i had hoped and has been very frustrating especially since i have been working on this for so long and am anxious to finish it (i keep reminding myself it is the journey not the destination). i have tried braided stainless steel, galvanized steel and copper. the braided steel looked nice, but the solder would slip right off as if it were coated in oil. solid copper wire worked fine, but i want to use a wire that is flexible for storage and does not stand out from the rest of the piece. tinned copper seemed to be the way to go, but not available to the average consumer.

mike found some picture wire i had, made of stainless steel, and had some modicum of success soldering, so i ordered some to test, and that didn't work. this past week, i researched soldering stainless steel, which is apparently quite difficult to do. i tried increasing the temperature and even using a torch, sanding the wire, using acid-core solder, and separate flux. none of these methods has worked. i'm hoping maybe it's the flux, and am now trying to find some special flux for soldering stainless steel.

this is not boding well for me. i want to forge ahead and have hopes of finishing this in time for a show in the fall. one of the most interesting things i find about making art is the problem solving, but it can be very frustrating. i find myself attracted to challenges but often wonder if i'm a masochist...

last sunday, while feeling pissy and frustrated about making a jig wherein i had to hand drill evenly spaced pairs of holes into a length of plywood, and after considering buying a drill press, i did find a new, smaller and doable project. i am interested in the idea of perfection and recently found myself considering why i like making things that have the appearance of being machine made. what is this aspiration towards an ideal that in extremes can be detrimental to one's mental and physical health? i was thinking about the women in lauren greenberg's documentary on eating disorders and my own perfectionist tendencies. it can be absurd when you're on the outside looking in yet inescapable. as a nod to john baldassari and conceptual art, i am going make a piece about perfection. already, the thought of changing the context of an act in the art process will change the experience and meaning of the piece and provide some distraction while i figure out how to solder steel.

photo of my late father: progress

photo of my late father: progress
Originally uploaded by bluepupae.

it's been a while since i moved beyond soldering, endless soldering on this project. i am about 2/3 the way through soldering leds, and wire wrapped one strand to check that outcome.

the low values are barely discernible in the light. i'll have to think some more on the lighting environment best suited for this.

photo of my late father progress

photo of my late father
Originally uploaded by bluepupae.

i am half way through soldering, and still have a ways before i'm even halfway done with the project as a whole. i've been thinking about it some more, and want to add some elements that will make it more clear that it is about reverence and the vietnamese custom of honoring dead ancestors. not sure if it will take the form of a large matt in front of the piece that you have to take your shoes off to enter or pillows in front or the sounds of a wood knocker faint in the background.

photo of my late father progress

progress
Originally uploaded by bluepupae.

1500 boards with leds soldered and counting. 11,000+ to go...

photo of my late father progress

photo of my late father
Originally uploaded by bluepupae.

i've been itching to get into the trenches with this project, but have been distracted with show submitals, updating my portfolio and other projects. what little bit i squeezed in felt good. it's probably not good for my health, but i kinda like the smell of melting (or maybe it's burning) solder. i need a bigger jig though. i have one so that i can set up and solder three boards one after another. it feels like it is going faster soldering than with the previous method of pushing through and flattening out the pins on fabric. i feel like i need to be looked in a cell with this and get it done, but it really is a challenge to prioritize the time. it's too bad it's not portable like knitting...

photo of my late father, lights off

photo of my late father, lights off
Originally uploaded by bluepupae.

this past week has been a mad rush to put together my portfolio and an artist statement for my gallery/portfolio class. mike, unarguably the best boyfriend ever, agreed to help with some 3d visualization of ongoing projects. they turned out great, which sets the bar for the actual piece, which i hope will look as good.

i can't say enough how this exercise in 3d visualization has not only motivated and inspired me to keep on keepin' on with the present work, but also with thoughts on lighting and photographing the work, which can be tricky when the work consists of light. i always have a vague image in my head of what the projects will look like, but to see a visualization of it matching with what is in my head is impressive, especially, when finished projects don't always match initial plans.

i also gave my artist statement a good working over. being a conglomeration of general statements of whys and descriptive project statements added on, it had become disjointed. editing produced a much stronger and improved version.

in the end (to mike's disappointment more than my own), i did not get to present and review it with the class due to the limited time. portfolio review will continue next week, so i will have to wait to get feedback. the extra time will allow me to get a proper portfolio box for the prints and additional edits to the statement.

photograph of my late father, enamel

photograph of my late father
Originally uploaded by bluepupae.

i have begun to spray paint what will be the fronts of the boards where the leds will be visible. i don't think i've finished a third of the total, which is 6200, and already need to get more spray enamel.

photograph of my late father, a fresh start

photograph of my late father
Originally uploaded by bluepupae.

the 7200 pcbs i ordered a month ago arrived last week. it's been a challenge and slow going to get momentum as the fear of failure looms ever present, but i am making a fresh start of it. 6200 will be used for photograph of my late father and the extra 1000 will go into the led suit i want to construct for a future project. that's right, i am going to make a suit out of leds. that won't even be the final piece. the final piece will consist of photographs of me dancing in the suit. fun, fun, fun.

meanwhile, i am continuing to edit and crop the photo squares that will become my heart, my mind, my soul... the number of photos is large, which will be great for the finished piece, but more time-consuming attempting to line things up and make sure i don't leave any part of my body out or duplicate. so far, i have cropped about 5600 squares, all of which, i will be hand sewing. more fun...

photo of my late father, update 2

photo of my late father
Originally uploaded by bluepupae.

mike helped me prototype out how the pieces would look spray painted and wired together. i was unsure about the spacing around, but am liking that it is looking like individual pieces (pixels). I'm embracing the whole advent of the digital and it's affect on photography. i also like breaking up the integrity of the image / surface / body as i have done with other pieces.

i didn't want any electronics on the front where the leds would be to be distracting. mike modified the design of the board a little such that the resistors mount on the "back", and lights go through holes and mount on back, so that i could have that and save some money and order single layer boards. i ordered 7200 yesterday (an extra 1000 will be for another project i'm cooking up -- a suit of leds -- yes i may be a little insane).

photo of my late father, update 1

photo of my late father
Originally uploaded by bluepupae.

the prototype boards came a couple weeks ago for my second go at this project.

moving on & letting go

photo of my father
Originally uploaded by bluepupae.

it was not an easy decision to make, and i fought it every step of the way. that's the way it is with me. change is difficult, that's why i give myself these challenges.

so my led project that is to be a photograph of my father, has been progressing abysmally slow. i still cannot say that i am halfway through. i also am only 30% sure that it will even work. i tried to do a test "swatch", but that took a zillion years and only somewhat worked. impatient to get started, i improved on the design, and started the final piece. after several more months and thousands of woman hours, my confidence wavered. i wanted to have faith that it would work eventually, if i kept at it. persistence or stupidity, only time will tell. i thought about all the bad relationships i had continued to work at long after they should have ended. i didn't want to come to this realization after a few more thousand hours of work. so i started to think that there had to be a better way. that it was better to take the losses--the thousands of work hours and cost of materials--and start somewhat afresh with a new approach. it is time to let go and move on.

there are a number of problems i have noticed with the current "design." It won't be easy to store. when i fold it up, the fabric gets wrinkled, and led & resister pins and wiring gets tangled up (are these all different, but related problems?). if it is more modular, and can be taken apart, it will be easier to store. i really like the idea of using fabric. of softening the appearance and feeling of the leds & technology, but the fabric is not working. i started to think about modular boards with pairs of leds & resistors, and having the wiring be connected in columns or rows, and the whole piece held together along the edges with thicker wire, like on my other projects. this would make it easer to take apart, and should an led burn out or be wrong, it will be more efficient to replace.

i also thought it would be better to unload some of the menial labor onto someone else or to a machine. no one is paying me to do this, and i am not able to work, and get paid while i'm doing this. well, if i could get someone to produce the boards at a cost that is less than the woman hours it would take me to do it times how much i get paid making websites, well, it would be well worth it. i will still be doing all of the soldering and assembly (can't escape all the work).

my next steps are to get prototypes made to test out the boards, then have the final made. there is a new hope and belief that the new process will take less time and be more likely to work than if i continued the way i have been going. i'm keeping my fingers crossed.